It’s when I’m standing six feet away from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you that I want to just scream to the whole room that I’m still in love with you. It’s when I’m sitting alone with the phone in my hand dialing your number and hanging up that I would trade a thousand tomorrows for just one yesterday. Then I could just call you to tell you goodnight. It’s when I am really sad about something and need someone to talk to that I realize you’re the only one who really knew me at all. It’s when I cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much I would give to hold you at that very moment. It’s when I think about you that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me.
March 27.
My mom keeps crying.
Everybody makes me feel like it’s because of me.
Last week Fernando basically told me that they don’t like me but they can’t be mad at me because that’s just who I am.
I miss DJ.
Oh yea, and I feel like shit.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
160 plays
February 1, 2012
He spoke to me suddenly and then walked away.
I finished the conversation with Kiara and then DJ gave Jade a hug and we started to leave to go to class and I turned around to see if Kiara was coming and then he held out his arms for me. I stood there for a few seconds confused but then I felt myself walk toward him and tuck my head into his shoulder as I always did, as if it belongs there, and then he laughed and said there it is or something like that and then I laughed and he just held me tighter and I lifted my head up and pressed my forehead against the middle of his chest and then I turned to walk away.
I don’t know if this means we’re cool now but I hope so because more than anything I miss my friend.
Although he could have only done this because he called me earlier (story not important) and I didn’t turn around?
Sigh, I don’t know but I wish I knew something.
90% of people marry their 7th-12th grade love. Since you have read this, you will be told good news tonight. If you dont repost this, your worst week starts now
I’m that girl who forgives everyone who gets mad at me. I’m that girl who cares way too much about what people think of her. I’m that girl who fears being alone. I’m that girl who is scared of growing up. I’m that girl who acts like I’m tough when really, I feel like crying. I’m that girl who says yes to everything, because I hate disappointing people. I’m that girl who tries to be nice to everyone then gets taken advantage of. I’m that girl who doesn’t care if it’s a million dollars or a homemade card as long as you thought of me. I’m that girl who tries to express how she feels, but just can’t find the words. I’m that girl who everyone thinks they know, but they don’t.
December 29. 2011 3 a.m.
I can’t sleep anymore.
And I’m pretty sure it’s because you’re not on the phone with me anymore.
I miss that. I miss you.
Why is it so FUCKING HARD FOR YOU TO JUST BE STRAIGHT UP WITH ME?!
You always talk about how fake other people are but yet, you’re the fakest of them all.
You play with peoples emotions from mine, to Paulas(even though I strongly despise that backstabbing self centered WHORE) to Natali.
You lie and manipulate us.
But for what?
For the company? You can get that when you want so why bother coming back to us?
WHY WON’T YOU JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE!
Isn’t breaking my heart and leaving me over and over again enough?
Weren’t all those times enough for you?
I know I wasn’t enough for you.
I believe you want something that I can’t give you. I don’t know what it is and maybe you don’t even know either. But it’s something important.
Okay this is it for right now. I have to try and get some sleep for once.
December 19, 2011
Dear DJ,
In all honesty I don’t really know why I’m writing this letter and I don’t know if you’ll get it but I guess if you’re reading it then I got up enough courage to give it to you. I hope that you’re reading this after school ends but before you leave for training. I really wish you luck with everything. I also would appreciate it if you didn’t show or let anyone else read this letter but you’re you so you’re going to do what you want no matter what I say…ha I’m going to miss that. I don’t know if we’ll be talking when school ends or what all is going to happen in the months to come but I do know that even though we’re not speaking right now things usually change between us so many times that who knows maybe we will be speaking again…hopefully.
It’s December 19 and 4 in the morning. I couldn’t sleep obviously. I actually haven’t been able to sleep well since that night at Jade’s. After getting inside and realizing I wasn’t going to get in any trouble, I laid down and fell asleep with that big smile you always managed to put on my face. That was the last night I had a good rest. Ever since then I just, well you just occupy my mind even more then you did before. And then after hearing that you had a girlfriend( by the way making that up wasn’t funny at all and I know you’re thinking that you laughed so it was funny. But trust me I never found it funny one bit.) I was just so shocked and I didn’t want to believe it, I must have asked Jade and Jenny multiple times if it was true and what made it even more believable to me was the fact that, that Sunday you didn’t speak to me at all. I was confused as to why you were ignoring me. Right now, I still feel the same way ignored, used, and so utterly confused. I look at you and you seem so fine and happy without me which is why I’ve only tried talking to you a couple times. If you’re happy without me then I’ll let it be because your happiness means more to me than my own.
When we first met I had no idea you would become so important to me and who knows maybe I was important to you too, at least you said I was that Saturday night. Let me tell you this though, our relationship always scared the shit out of me. I never knew what to make of us. Sometimes it felt like we were just friends, other times it felt like we were more and the rest felt like I didn’t even exist to you. I never quite knew where we stood and that scared and confused the crap out of me.
I’ve been slacking A LOT so I will post things i’ve written and hopefully get exact dates for them so I know.
